The ethics of writing about others
by Grant Faulkner
Read on Substack if you’d like to leave comments.
Dear Memoirists, the question about how to write about others with care and responsibility came up in my “Show Up & Write” session last week, so I thought the best way to answer the question—and create an ongoing conversation about this very personal topic—would be to share the module from our Crafting Your Memoir PDF, which is free to you all.
Also, please keep the conversation going in our Community!
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Memoir writing is an act of profound vulnerability that involves navigating the delicate terrain of personal truth, familial relationships, and the complex web of memories shared with others. As a result, it’s a challenging path to both honor your truth while respecting the experiences and privacy of the people in your story.
Carmen Maria Machado has said, “Anybody who appears in your life, however briefly, will almost certainly have feelings about it. There’s not an easy way to navigate this, that I’ve discovered anyway. It’s like trying to move a shopping cart between two closely parked cars. You’re going to ding your relationships, or you’re going to ding your artistic integrity. ”
Memoirists have to balance raw honesty with empathy, and to be sensitive to the fact that your perspective is just one lens through which a story can be viewed.
Here are some guidelines for writing an ethical memoir that balances honesty with sensitivity:
Consider your motivations and impact:
Write to understand and share your truth, not to settle scores
Focus on your perspective and emotional experience rather than making judgments about others’ intentions.
Ask yourself what purpose each revelation serves in your larger narrative.
When writing about others:
Stick to your direct experiences and observations rather than speculating about others’ thoughts or motivations.
Consider changing names or identifying details when possible, especially for minor characters.
Focus on specific interactions and their impact on you rather than making broad character assessments.
Be willing to acknowledge the limitations and subjectivity of your memory.
Address sensitive material carefully:
Give content warnings when appropriate for traumatic events.
Consider whether revealing certain details might put others at risk
Be especially thoughtful when writing about family members, as these stories are often intertwined.
Remember that people may have changed significantly since the events you’re describing.
Here are some practical approaches:
Share relevant drafts with people you’ve written about when appropriate. Note that you are not required to do this, especially with people who’ve been abusers, or who behaved badly. A way around this is to change identifying details, and to include a disclaimer in your book.
Consider the timing of publication—some stories may need more distance.
Focus on your own growth and understanding rather than assigning blame.
Include multiple perspectives when possible to show the complexity of situations.